refusal wielding to desire

The most emo tattoo I’ve ever wanted was something along the lines of “not dead yet”. In really positive news, I only truly ever want that tattoo when I’m hammered and my friends are good enough people that they’d let me die before becoming a wistful guitar playing man named Brandon (my final wish).

The desire stems from days when my inclination to exist is low but I have a constant and fiery refusal to give up - and I don’t mean to degrade dying or losing the will to live as “giving up” - what I mean is that even in moments of empty spoons and lack of will - I still know that I’m not done yet.

Various forms of therapy, wellness treatments, yoga (I’m mediocre at it) and learning to rebuild my life into a healthier and more supportive space have all built more of a foundation for happiness - but I think this desire was less built and more innate. I’m flawed and messy in a lot of ways (not being a hater to myself - I’m super okay and stoked about being human) - but god my best quality is often described as loyalty and inside me it feels like this extreme pull to whatever is on the other side - I won’t quit. On my friends, myself, the world - I just fucking know we’re gonna get there.

It’s been 12 days since I got on that plane and it’s fun for me to think about 15 year old me, 17, 22, and now - I’ve done so many of the things I’ve dreamed of doing. I’ve seen the Eiffel tower twinkle at night, shopped for leather in Italy, been tipsy late at night in the streets of Tokyo. My career was big, my friends are perfect (and anyone who says otherwise can choke), I owned a home and my Halloween decor was slay to the max. God I’m grateful for it. My heart knew we would make it - but my soul didn’t expect (and is everlastingly thankful for) all the help I keep getting along the way.

There’s a saying I learned at my last job that in some senses I agree with: “playing to win, never playing to not lose”. I understand it, I feel it, and it’s a useful saying for learning confidence, negotiation, and other strengths. But there are some days when things feel heavy to the point of fracturing, when the notifications and lists feel less like a fun challenge and more like a nightmare with little reward, and moments when breathing and eating feel like the rock up the hill is too much and where the fuck is the unsubscribe button?

Rest works, balance is important, and - some days “fake it till you make it” is the right coping mechanism to pick up from the box. Moms can’t pause their kids, work doesn’t disappear, and your feelings will follow you to the other side of the world - and some days playing to not lose means you’re still fucking playing.

Showing up awkwardly and asking a new friend to go coffee is still making new friends - and it’s real. Picking up some of the house because you can’t do it all is still progress towards less of a pile to handle tomorrow. I’m breathing today - thank heavens, that means I’m more likely to be breathing tomorrow. And god tomorrow you will be so grateful for the extra space to succeed when you feel like you can start to do things out of joy again.

My heart is starting to feel like it can beat again - I’m breathing easier. I’m doing more - and some days doing a lot less. I feel like I can can not only play to win, but goddammit there’s gonna be a day where we take it all home. Everyone’s gonna know our name - MVP level shit.

And - there’s gonna be moments where I think there’s no use in doing the damn thing: I’m tired, the world’s hard. It costs more than the breath it took me to analyze the situation.

Yet - the ring waits for us anyways, gloves or bare fisted - we’re here. Sidelines serve no one, onlookers play no real part in their future and there’s so much to see. I’m going to chug milk tea in Shanghai, get lost in Chongqing, swim in bioluminescent water and cry in new places. I’ll develop more skills, more empathy, and develop more ability to create good and build consequences for harm with every movement and moment that we’re still in this.

The things I love and learn from will have lipstick and clawmarks on them - this existence was never meant to be played casually. I will leave bruised, loved, and throttled in every way I know how. To win, to not lose, to do it all - goddammit, I’m playing.